(drumroll)
(rousing orchestral fanfare playing)
(fanfare ends)
(jazz intro)
(man singing folk)
(singing continues)
(men sing chorus)
(jazzy instrumental break)
(country fiddle playing)
(singing continues)
(men sing chorus)
(singing continues)
(music ends)
Robin Williger.
He is a 15-year-old freshman from Racine, Wisconsin.
He enjoys studying history.
He's on the debate team.
Robin's future looked very, very bright,
but recently he was diagnosed with cancer,
a very tough kind of cancer.
Robin tells me he has quit smoking, though,
and he no longer thinks that cigarettes are cool.
(applause)
Whoo!
And our final guest today is Nick Naylor.
Mr. Naylor is the vice president of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Now, they are the tobacco industry's main lobby
in Washington, D.C.
and Mr. Naylor is their chief spokesman.
(audience murmuring)
(booing, hissing)
NICK: Few people on this planet know
what it is to be truly despised.
Can you blame them?
I earn a living fronting an organization
that kills 1,200 human beings a day.
1,200 people.
We're talking two jumbojet plane loads
of men, women and children.
I mean, there's Attila,
Genghis,
and me,
Nick Naylor,
the face of cigarettes...
the Colonel Sanders of nicotine.
This is where I work,
the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
It was established by seven gentlemen
you may recognize from C-SPAN.
These guys realized quick if they were going to claim
that cigarettes were not addictive,
they better have proof.
This is the man they rely on,
Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt.
They found him in Germany.
I won't go into the details.
He's been testing the link
between nicotine and lung cancer
for 30 years and hasn't found any conclusive results.
The man's a genius.
He could disprove gravity.
Then we've got our sharks.
We draft them out of Ivy League law schools
and give them time-shares and sports cars.
It's just like a John Grisham novel-
you know, without all the espionage.
Most importantly, we've got spin control.
That's where I come in.
I get paid to talk.
I don't have an MD or law degree.
(shutter clicking)
(machine gun firing)
I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.
You know that guy who can pick up any girl?
I'm him
on crack.
(cheers, applause)
This is obviously a heated issue
and we do have a lot that we want to cover today.
Nick, do you have a question?
Joan,
how on earth would Big Tobacco profit
off of the loss of this young man?
Now, I hate to think in such callous terms,
but, if anything, we'd be losing a customer.
It's not only our hope, it's in our best interest
to keep Robin alive and smoking.
- That's ludicrous. - Let me tell you something,
Joan, and please, let me share something
with the fine, concerned people in the audience today.
The Ron Goodes of this world...
want the Robin Willigers to die.
- What? - NAYLOR: You know why?
So that their budgets will go up.
This is nothing less than trafficking in human misery,
and you, sir, ought to be ashamed of yourself.
I ought to be ashamed of myself?
As a matter of fact, we're about to launch...
a $50 million campaign
aimed at persuading kids not to smoke.
Because I think that we can all agree
that there is nothing more important
than America's children.
LUNDEN: All right, now, that's something that
we're going to want to know more about.
but I have to take a short break.
Hang on, a lot more coming.
(applause)
$50 million?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Everyone has a boss.
BR just happens
to be mine.
He came from the vending machine world.
This made him tough.
The name BR came from his tour in Vietnam.
The people who know its meaning are all dead.
The deal was five million!
$5 million will get you a couple of subway posters.
It's not going to impress anyone.
That's the idea, Nick.
You'll be thanking me soon.
This'll probably get you great press.
I gotta call the captain and see if this is gonna fly.
Get your ass back to D.C.
(applause nearby)
(door opening)
Thank you so much for coming.
Mr. Naylor?
It's your turn.
Ah.
Joey is such a bright young man.
We all look forward
to his coming out of his shell a little.
He's a bit shy.
Yeah, he gets that from his mother.
(whisper): Hey, Joey.
Please don't ruin my childhood.
Come on, Joey. Trust me.
How many of you want to be lawyers when you grow up?
Right.
How about...
movie stars?
(laughing)
How about lobbyists?
What's that?
It's kind of like being a movie star.
It's what I do. I talk for a living.
What do you talk about?
I speak on behalf of cigarettes.
My mom used to smoke.
She says that cigarettes kill.
Really? Now, is your mommy a doctor?
No.
A scientific researcher of some kind?
No.
Well, she doesn't exactly sound
like a credible expert, now, does she?
Don't feel bad.
It's okay to listen to your mom.
I mean, it's good to listen to your parents... Joey.
All I'm suggesting
is that there will always be people trying to tell you
what to do and what to think.
There probably already are people doing that.
Am I right?
KIDS: Yes.
I'm here to say
that when someone tries to act like some sort of an expert,
you can respond, "Who says?"
So, cigarettes are good for you?
- No! - No, that's not...
That's not what I'm getting at.
My point is that you have to think for yourself.
You have to challenge authority.
If your parents told you that chocolate was dangerous,
would you just take their word for it?
KIDS: No.
Exactly.
So perhaps instead of acting like sheep
when it comes to cigarettes,
you should find out for yourself.
Okay, then.
Thank you, Mr. Naylor, for joining us.
(light applause)
NICK: Every week we meet here at Bert's.
Together, we represent the chief spokespeople
for the tobacco, alcohol and firearms industries.
We call ourselves the MOD Squad.
All right.
M-O-D, Merchants of Death.
So, my day's ruined.
Why?
Dateline's doing a segment
on fetal alcohol syndrome. Thank you.
Polly works for the Moderation Council.
A casual drinker by the age of 14,
Polly quickly developed
a tolerance usually reserved for Irish dockworkers.
In our world, she's the woman
that got the pope to endorse red wine.
We're gonna get creamed.
Any ideas?
I don't know.
Deformed kids are tough.
I'm lucky my product only makes them bald before it kills them.
You could hug the kids.
They're not going to let me hug the kids.
Who's doing the segment, Donaldson or Sawyer?
Sawyer, probably.
You're fucked.
Why?
Cause she's gonna hug them.
Look, if you see her going in for a hug,
maybe just box her out, get in there before she does.
NICK: BobbyJay works for SAFETY,
- (ricochet) - the Society for the Advancement of Firearms
and Effective Training for Youth.
You want me to smile?
After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings,
BobbyJay, then 17, signed up for the National Guard
so he, too, could shoot college students.
But the National Guard recruiter was out to lunch,
so BobbyJay ended up shooting Panamanians instead,
which was almost as good as college students.
(gunshot)
Only they shoot back.
You know, you can beat a Breathalyzer
- by sucking on activated charcoal tablets? - Really?
Maybe we should change our campaign to
"If You Must Drink and Drive, Suck Charcoal."
Yeah, but don't the police wonder
why you're sucking on charcoal?
There's no law against charcoal.
- Yet. - Yet.
Dad, why is the American government the best government?
Because of our endless appeals system.
Joe, you're not writing down what I just said are you?
Mm-hmm.
Joey, stop for a second.
What is the subject of your essay?
Why is American government the best government in the world.
Your teacher crafted that question?
Yeah. Why?
Well... I'll look past the obvious problems
in syntax for a moment,
and I'll focus more on the core of the question.
I mean, "A,"
does America have the best government in the world?
And "B," what constitutes a "best government"?
Is it crime, is it poverty, literacy?
Hmm?
And America- definitely not best.
Perhaps not even better than most.
We do have a very entertaining government...
Dad.
I'm sorry.
Are you familiar with the term "B.S."?
Bullshit.
Yes, exactly.
B.S., if I may, is what questions like the one
your teacher posed are made for.
Because even if America had the best government,
there'd be no way to prove it.
And how many pages are you writing?
Two pages.
Two pages...
Definitely not in two pages.
So what am I supposed to write?
You can write whatever you want.
Okay.
Write about...
write about America's amazing ability
to make profit by breaking down trading tariffs
and bringing American jobs to Third World countries.
Or how good we are at executing felons.
They're all correct answers.
I can do that?
See, Joey, that's the beauty of argument.
'Cause if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.
Dad, if I finish this essay within an hour,
can we stay up all night?
That's a negotiation, not an argument.
(over TV): Well, Conway, see you made it.
Yeah, I guess that little voice was wrong.
I feel better.
I feel a lot better, too.
As a matter of fact, I never felt so good in my life.
How about a cigarette?
(gunshot)
(dramatic music playing)
(gunfire)
MAN 1: Is he...?
MAN 2: Yeah.
Hey.
Nick, you still own a watch, don't you?
Jill, I can't help feeling
Joey's getting the wrong idea about his dad.
It would be great if I could spend
a little more time with him, you know?
To give him a fair and balanced perspective.
Nick, you had plenty of time for that.
Now you're his weekend guardian.
Besides, he has Brad.
He still needs his father.
Nick.
You have a second?
Sure, Brad.
Nick, your job and everything aside,
I hope you understand that secondhand smoke's
a real killer.
What are you talking about?
I just hope you're providing
a smoke-free environment for Joey, that's all I'm saying.
Brad, I'm his father.
You're the guy fucking his mom.
That was unnecessary.
Thank you all. Thank you all for coming.
Tobacco is winning the war.
The war against our children.
They like to use cartoons and symbols to hook our kids.
Well, now we have a symbol of our own.
Doctor.
It is my hope that within the year
every cigarette package
sold in America will carry this symbol.
Perhaps then, cigarettes will finally be labeled
appropriately as poison.
I will be holding a congressional hearing
to discuss the inclusion of the skull and crossbones
in the next two weeks.
As usual, I extend an open invitation
to big tobacco.
Perhaps this time they will grace us with their presence.
And their answers.
Thank you very much.
(reporters clamoring)
People, what is going on out there?
I look down this table, all I see are white flags.
Our numbers are down all across the board.
Teen smoking- our bread and butter,
is falling like a shit from heaven.
We don't sell Tic Tacs, for Christ's sake.
We sell cigarettes.
And they're cool and available and addictive.
The job is almost done for us.
This environmentalist is challenging us.
We have to have an answer.
I'm asking you,
when this cocksucker puts Captain Hook on our products,
what the fuck are we going to do?
- BR. - Yeah, Nick.
If I may.
In 1910,
the U.S. was producing ten billion cigarettes a year.
By 1930,
we were up to 123 billion.
What happened in between?
Three things.
A world war,
dieting... and movies.
Movies?
1927-talking pictures are born.
Suddenly, directors need to give their actors
something to do while they're talking.
Cary Grant, Carole Lombard are lighting up.
Bette Davis- a chimney.
And Bogart- remember the first picture
with him and Lauren Bacall?
Well, yea... not specifically.
Oh, she sort
of shimmies in through the doorway,
19 years old.
Pure sex.
She says,
"Anyone got a match?"
And Bogie throws the matches at her...
and she catches them.
Greatest romance of the century.
How'd it start? Lighting a cigarette.
These days when someone smokes in the movies,
they're either a psychopath or a European.
The message Hollywood needs to send out
is smoking is cool.
We need the cast of Will and Grace
smoking in their living room.
Forrest Gump puffing away between his box of chocolates.
Hugh Grant earning back the love of Julia Roberts
by buying her favorite brand- her Virginia Slims.
Most of the actors smoke already.
If they start doing it on-screen,
we can put the sex back into cigarettes.
Well, it's a thought.
I was hoping for something a little more inspiring,
but at least you're thinking.
Rest of you people, slam your fucking brains
against your desks
until something useful comes out.
That was awesome.
Thank you.
Nick, you've been summoned.
Captain wants to see you.
He saw the Joan show.
What'd he think?
Get your ass on the next flight to Winston-Salem.
Most people have this image in their heads
of tobacco executives jet-setting around the world
on private planes, eating foie gras
as they count their money.
Not me.
I like to ride with the people.
Know your clients.
My people cram themselves into a tiny seat,
pop a Xanax and dream of the moment
they can stuff their face with fresh tobacco.
If I can convince just one of these kids to pick up smoking,
I've paid for my flight-round-trip.
The Captain is the last great man of tobacco.
He introduced filters
when cigarettes first got slammed by Reader's Digest.
Later, he founded the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
The club was founded by the tobacco barons in 1890
so they'd have a place to get away from their wives.
Here, the Captain is a legend-
a self-made man who started from nothing,
and ended up with everything...
except, evidently, a son.
Nick, my boy.
You're just in time for mud.
Thank you.
Sit down there. Yeah.
Yeah.
You know the secret to a really good julep?
No, sir.
Well, you crush the mint
down onto the ice with your thumb
and you grind it in, see?
And it releases the menthol.
Hmm.
Now you know who taught me that?
No, sir. Who?
Fidel Castro.
Do you remember 1952?
Well, sir, I wasn't alive in 1952.
Good Lord, I was in Korea shooting Chinese in 1952.
Really?
Today they're our best customer.
Next time we won't have to shoot so many of them, will we?
- (chuckles) - No, sir.
1952 was the year Reader's Digest
nailed us with the whole health aspect.
As Churchill said,
that was perhaps the end of our beginning.
Tell me,
do you enjoy your current work, Nick?
Yes, sir.
It's challenging...
If you can do tobacco, you can do anything.
Yes, sir, I like that.
You know, Nick, you remind me
just a little bit of myself when I was your age.
Well, thank you, sir.
Like that Joan Lunden show you did.
You could have given up, cried, apologized,
but you didn't.
You stayed loyal.
And you gave it to that son of a bitch good.
- (chuckles) - My pleasure.
Now, BR's come under the idea
that we should start bribing producers in Hollywood
to make the actors smoke on screen.
You know, like in the old days.
Say, that's, uh...
that's a great idea.
Mm-hmm.
Smart man, that BR.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And loyal.
Yes, sir?
Have a seat, Ron.
You, see, Ron, I can't be everywhere I'm needed.
That's why I send people like you
to speak on my behalf.
When you're there, you're not Ron Goode,
the guy your friends probably like,
you're Senator Finistirre's aide,
and your name really doesn't matter.
So, when
Ron Goode acts like a complete asshole
on the Joan Lunden Show,
I am being an asshole on the Joan Lunden Show.
Senator, sir, he sprang on me like...
Where in the hell did you find cancer boy?
He was supposed to be quite reliable.
The Pulmonary Council was one of his references.
Fucking nonprofits.
When you're looking for a cancer kid,
he should be hopeless.
He should have a wheelchair.
He should have trouble talking.
He should have a little pet goldfish
he carries around in a ziplock bag-
hopeless.
I apologize, sir, but if it wasn't
- for Nick Naylor... - Nick Naylor?
Don't you even think of using him as an excuse.
The man shills bullshit for a living.
You work for a fucking senator.
A senator who is supposed to be tough on tobacco.
Have a little... pride, for God's sake.
It won't happen again, sir, I promise.
All right, you're excused.
Sometimes I feel like
a Colombian drug dealer.
(chuckles)
The other day, my own granddaughter, flesh of flesh of my own loins,
asked me, "Granddaddy, is it true
cigarettes are bad for you?"
We got to do something, Nick.
I think you're our man.
Thank you, sir.
I want you to work on this Hollywood project.
Get out there the next few weeks, stir things up
and report directly to me.
Sir, about the,
the $50 million.
Anti teen-smoking advertising.
Well, shit, I sure hope it's not too persuasive.
(laughs)
I hope.
(laughs)
Nick,
you're family now.
Tobacco takes care of its own, eh?
Thank you, sir.
Mr. Naylor?
Hi.
Hi. Welcome to Tobacco One.
Thank you.
The captain told me to take extra special care of you today.
So if there is anything at all I can do
to make your flight more pleasant,
you be sure and let me know now.
BR.
Pleasant flight?
Oh! You could say that.
Came up on the Captain's plane.
Oh, it's quite the way to travel.
I wouldn't know.
No? You never been on Tobacco One
with those seats, that kitchen,
that stewardess, Tiffany?
Haven't had the chance yet.
Oh, well, you really must try it.
It's the only way to travel.
What'd he think of your $50 million anti-smoking campaign?
Oh, the $50 million anti teen-smoking campaign?
Yeah.
Yeah, he gave that the go-ahead.
Oh, and he loved your idea
to put cigarettes back into movies.
- That was your idea. - Oh, yeah?
- He must have gotten confused. - Hmm.
Yeah. Well, either way, he was pretty blown away.
Right. Well, get a flight to L.A.
I'll get you a meeting with Jeff Megall.
Who?
Hollywood super agent.
Runs the agency EGO: Entertainment Global Offices.
This guy is the entertainment business.
And you are cigarettes, BR.
Whatever.
Yeah, but it's not a vacation, it's a learning experience.
And California is one of the fastest-growing
states, it's got
the largest number of electoral votes in the country.
I mean, this could be a very good trip for Joey.
You know what? Don't smooth-talk me.
You're not going to take him sightseeing.
You're probably going
to take him to some lung cancer symposium
where a guy with an electronic voice box will tell him
that his father is the devil.
That's unfair.
Unfair? What about Virginia?
And what about Virginia?
You took him to a cigarette factory.
No, I took him to a tobacco farm.
That's hardly the same thing.
This conversation's over.
(sighs): Oh, fuck.
Last week we had another disgruntled postman.
Of course,
an hour later the Washington Post
is calling me on the phone- godless swine.
I said to 'em, I says,
"Now if a plane crashes on account of pilot error,
do you blame the Boeing Corporation?"
Nice.
- That's a good one. - Thank you.
If some booze-besotten drunk runs someone down,
do you go banging on the doors at General Motors?
Tell me you didn't say that.
Mm-hmm.
Have either of you heard of a reporter named Heather Holloway?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Irish type.
Brown hair, big blue eyes.
Nice skin.
Amazing tits.
Tits? Why are tits relevant?
Hmm, let's see.
World-class tits on a reporter interviewing a man
with privileged information are relevant.
How about it, Nick? Are you a tit man?
Don't answer that. That's a trap.
Depends whose tits.
Look, just don't get screwed, all right?
Bobby, I think I can handle a good-looking girl reporter.
Thank you.
Heather Holloway.
Nick Naylor, big tobacco.
Is this kosher?
Only if I can call you "Heather."
By all means.
So, Mr. Naylor...
- Nick. - Nick.
Let's start with...
An '82 Margaux.
Okay. Is it good?
Good? It'll make you believe in God.
So what is the focus of your piece?
- You. - Really?
You want to know how I live with myself.
No. I don't imagine that's much of a problem.
I want to know how you see yourself.
I'm...
a mediator between two sects of society
that are trying to reach an accommodation.
Interesting.
My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer,
bloodsucker, pimp, profiteer, child killer,
and my personal favorite "yuppie Mephistopheles."
Wow, that sounds like a balanced article.
Who else should I talk to?
55 million American smokers, for starters
or perhaps the American tobacco farmer
who is constantly being treated like a drug smuggler.
I actually do plan on speaking to a tobacco farmer.
Good.
They're fine people, salt of the earth.
Nick, why do you do this?
What motivates you?
You really want to know?
Mm-hmm.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
(whispers): Population control.
(chuckles)
You're bad.
Everyone's got a mortgage to pay.
NICK: The yuppie Nuremberg defense.
So is a mortgage that much of a life goal?
Well, 99% of everything done in the world, good or bad,
is done to pay a mortgage, so perhaps the world
would be a better place if everyone rented.
Then why don't you rent?
Mm. Well, I rent as well.
- Really? - Yeah.
My son and his mother and her boyfriend
live in my house.
I live in my apartment.
What does Nick Naylor's apartment look like?
I don't know. It's nothing impressive.
It wouldn't make the real estate section.
(chuckles)
Can I see it?
You want to see my apartment?
I'd like to see where the devil sleeps.
NICK: I know what you're probably thinking.
This is a bad idea, right?
I mean, come on.
It's not that bad of an idea.
(sizzling)
(pots clattering)
Mom, why can't I go
to California?
Because California's just not a... safe place.
And besides, I'm not sure it's appropriate
for your father to bring you on a business trip.
Appropriate for who?
What?
Mom, is it possible that you're taking the frustration
of your failed marriage out on me?
Excuse me?
This California trip seems like a great learning opportunity
and a chance for me to get to know my father.
But if you think it's more important
to use me to channel your frustration
against the man you no longer love,
I'll understand.
How'd you convince her?
It was an argument, not a negotiation.
That's my boy.
(soft music playing)
Nick?
Nick, Jack, Jeff's assistant. Hey.
How was your flight? Are you jet-lagged at all?
It's, like, 2:00 in D.C. right now.
You know what? Take some vitamin B.
Jeff swears by it- in fact,
I'm gonna hook you up with an injection.
Who's this with you? How are you, dude? What's going on?
You guys ever been to L.A. before?
You want to head back to Jeff�s office?
In fact, we probably should- He's a punctual being.
We actually had some problems at first with the exterior mirrored glass.
The reflection of the sun was causing head-on collisions on Wilshire.
Oh, is everybody all right?
Yeah, they got three-picture deals at Paramount- I'm sure they'll live.
- It's a nice building. - Yeah?
Hey, tell Jeff you think so, okay?
'Cause he just put a lot of himself into this building.
And you know something? It really shows.
What's up, Hiroshi?
Keep going- that sand's not gonna rake itself.
All right, come here, this is my favorite part.
That one right there? It's $7,000.
- $7,000 for a fish? - (laughs): Yep.
Kind of makes you want to stop eating sushi,
but I guess you kind of have to.
Hey, you see that big white one right there?
Swear to you- $12,000, gift from Oprah.
It's a Chamberlain- office-warming gift from Matthew McConaughey.
Generous gift.
(laughs): Yeah. Right!
Don't get me wrong, Matthew is a tremendously talented individual
and an extremely decent human being,
however, before Jeff took him on, he was a face.
Now he's a name.
(elevator bell dings)
Do you hear that?
No.
Exactly.
(bell dings)
Hey, Neal.
Neal, I'm gonna impale your mom on a spike,
and I'm gonna feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis.
(laughs): Aw, Jack, you got me!
NEAL: That guy!
It's an inside joke.
(sighs): So, as you can see,
Jeff just really loves Asian shit.
Uh, Candace, is he ready?
- Mm-hmm. - Fantastic.
(quietly): Okay, Joey, I'm gonna bring your dad in now.
Is there anything I can get you while you're waiting,
like an orange juice or a coffee or a Red Bull?
- No, thanks. - Okay.
Wow, it's a great office.
Yeah. Jeff basically designed the whole thing.
The architect just made the drawings.
Jack, stop it.
Next you're gonna be telling him
what position I played for the Bruins.
(quietly): Quarterback.
Jeff Megall.
Nick Naylor.
Mr. Naylor's here to see if we can't get cigarettes
- into the hands of somebody other than the usual RAVs. - Sure.
- RAVs? - Russians, Arabs and Villains.
Oh, well, then yes, I guess that is why I'm here.
Good. I think we can help.
Jeff invented product placement.
NICK: I feel I have to ask, uh...
Are you concerned at all about the, um...
about the health element?
I'm not a doctor, I'm a facilitator.
I bring creative people together.
Whatever information there is, exists, it's out there.
People will decide for themselves.
They should. It's not my role to decide for them.
It'd be morally presumptuous.
NICK: I could learn a lot from this man.
Now, what we need is a smoking role model,
a real winner.
Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.
Right, on two packs a day.
Only he can't live in contemporary society.
Why not?
The health issue's way too prevalent.
People would constantly be asking the character
why he's smoking- and that should go unsaid.
How do you feel about the future?
The future?
Yeah, after the health thing's blown over.
A world where smokers and nonsmokers
live together in perfect harmony.
Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.
Message From Sector Six.
All takes place in a space station.
They're actively looking for some cofinancing.
So cigarettes in space?
It's the final frontier, Nick.
But wouldn't they blow up in an all-oxygen environment?
Probably.
But it's an easy fix- one line of dialogue:
"Thank God we invented the..." you know,
whatever device.
Brad Pitt.
Catherine Zeta-Jones.
They've just finished ravishing
each other's bodies for the first time.
They lie naked, suspended in air
underneath the heavens.
Pitt lights up.
He starts blowing smoke rings all around
Catherine's naked, flawless body,
as the galaxies go whizzing by over the glass-domed ceiling.
Now, tell me that doesn't work for you.
I'd see that movie.
I'd buy the goddamn DVD.
You know, if the academy didn't send them to me for free.
You know,
you guys ought to think about designing a cigarette
to be released simultaneously with the movie.
Sector Sixes.
No one's ever done it with a cigarette.
Wow.
Well, where do we go from here?
You enjoy the rest of your day in L.A. with your son
while I find out the answers to these questions.
Hey, where can I get a bite to eat with my son?
You ought to try Nobu's new place.
- He only serves food that's white. - Oh, great.
JOEY: So, you go to an office,
then you go on TV and talk about cigarettes.
Then you fly out to L.A.
to talk to some guy who works with movie stars.
- What is that? - That's my job; I'm a lobbyist.
I know, but did you study to do that?
No. No, I just kind of figured it out.
Then can't anyone just do that?
No, it, uh, requires a...
a moral flexibility that goes beyond most people.
Do I have flexible morals?
Well, let's say you became a lawyer, right?
And you were asked to defend a murderer.
Worse than that- a child murderer.
Now,
the law states that every person deserves a fair trial.
Would you defend them?
I don't know. I guess every person
- deserves a fair defense. - Yeah, well,
so do multinational corporations.
So, what happens when you're wrong?
(chuckles): Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.
But you can't always be right.
Well, if it's your job to be right, then you're never wrong.
But what if you are wrong?
Okay, let's say that you're defending chocolate
and I'm defending vanilla.
Now, if I were to say to you,
"Vanilla's the best flavor ice cream," you'd say...?
- "No, chocolate is." - Exactly.
But you can't win that argument.
So, I'll ask you- So you think chocolate
is the end-all and be-all of ice cream, do you?
It's the best ice cream; I wouldn't order any other.
Oh. So it's all chocolate for you, is it?
Yes, chocolate is all I need.
Well, I need more than chocolate.
And for that matter, I need more than vanilla.
I believe that we need freedom and choice
when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Joey Naylor,
that is the definition of liberty.
But that's not what we're talking about.
Ah, but that's what I'm talking about.
- But... you didn't prove that vanilla's the best. - I didn't have to.
I proved that you're wrong- and if you're wrong, I'm right.
But you still didn't
convince me.
'Cause I'm not after you.
I'm after them.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Thought I'd give you a little update.
Jeff. You still at the office?
Do you know what time it is in Tokyo right now?
- No. - 4:00 P.M. tomorrow.
It's the future, Nick.
Anyway, for Pitt to smoke,
it's $10 million; for the pair, it's 25.
25?! Usually when I buy two of something, I get a discount.
What's the extra five for?
Synergy.
These are not stupid people; they got it right away.
Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting up after some cosmic fucking
in the bubble suite's gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.
Well, for that kind of money,
my people will expect some very serious smoking.
Can Brad blow smoke rings?
I don't have that information.
Well, for $25 million, we'd want smoke rings.
Oh, one other thing- you'll be cofinancing
the picture with the Sultan of Glutan.
The Sultan of Glutan?
The one who massacred and enslaved his own people?
Aren't they calling him the Hitler of the South Pacific?
No, I can't speak to that- All my dealings with him,
he's been a very reasonable and sensitive guy.
He's fun. You'll like him.
I better run it by my people.
No problem.
- (beep) - Oh, that's London calling.
7:00 A.M. in the Old Empire.
Jeff, when do you sleep?
Sunday.
(line hangs up)
(laughs softly)
(groans)
(line ringing)
- Operator. - Yeah, my light is blinking.
- There's a package downstairs for you. - Okay, send it up.
Captain, I'm sitting in front of an open briefcase.
I don't suppose this is a raise.
Now, Nick, do you know who Lorne Lutch is?
Yeah, of course. He's the original Marlboro Man.
He's dying. He was on Sally last week.
Not exactly our biggest fan.
Well, the money's for him.
Now, he has a ranch out there in California.
I want you to bring it to him.
He's a cowboy, sir, and cowboys don't like bribes.
It's not a bribe. No, sir.
You're going out there on wings of angels, son.
You mean we're just going to give him the money?
Well, I think Christ himself would say,
"That's mighty white of you boys."
No gag agreement?
Hopefully, he'll be so damn overcome with gratitude
he'll... he'll have to shut up.
Hey, kiddo, I got to go do a little bit more work
this afternoon, all right?
Can I come?
No. Not this time.
But I want to see what you do.
You stay here, okay?